To Love and Lose
by Saranwyn
Summary: Kaien knew it would end this way. He just never thought it'd end so soon. Implied shounen-ai


He walked away from me  
And all I saw  
Was the shadow of his back  
In the steeply setting sun.

Kaien Cross sprinted down the street, ignoring the irritated voices calling after him as he practically shoved his way through. His heart pounded in his chest, his breath catching in his throat. He reached the old church and froze. The door was open, and there was nothing but silence. Gritting his teeth against the fear, he ran in, looking around. The building was empty save for a figure laid out on the altar. He wasted no time going to it and staring down in mute shock and horror at the person there. His ever-present hat was now cast to the floor. Blood was smeared across his face, soaking large, dark stains into his shirt. He reached out to feel for a pulse. Nothing. He shook that broad form weakly, tears of disbelief rising to his eyes. He knew his friend wasn't invincible. He knew there would come a day when he would have to see this. He just…wasn't ready for it to be that day.

"S-stop it…" he whispered, as if his friend was just playing some sort of sick joke on him. "I didn't have time…I didn't…I never told you everything I wanted to…" A choked sob interrupted his further attempts to speak. A soft groan escaped his lips and he slumped forward, resting his head on that wide, still chest. The pearl-like droplets spilled down his cheeks, falling to the other's chest. He heard a creak behind him but didn't even move. A hand descended on his shoulder.

"Cross," someone's deep, sympathetic voice whispered. "I'm sorry." Now gentle yet firm arms pried him away from the other man. Kaien struggled fruitlessly against them.

"No! I…I was su-supposed to…I…No!" Kaname tried to hold him comfortingly, but the ex-hunter would have none of it. He struggled and writhed helplessly.

"Stop this, Cross!" the Pureblood snapped. His words seemed to work, for Kaien stopped struggling. He stopped crying and trying to speak. Then, he just let Kaname lead him away as the others from the Association came to take the body away. The Vampire took the headmaster back to his home and watched in helpless pity as the man fell into bed to cry himself to sleep.

Two days later, they had the funeral. Kaien came, but he didn't say anything. He didn't meet the others' eyes. He didn't join in the prayer for his friend's soul. And he didn't leave with the others. Instead, he knelt before the grave marked Touga Yagari, a cowboy had clutched in his hands. He made no attempt to hide the tears or to erase streaked lines they left on his cheeks. He swallowed hard.

"A-always knew I'd bury you," he whispered shakily. "Always knew, but I thought…I d-dared to hope…I dared to hope I could say some things first." A wry, pathetic attempt at a smile twisted his lips. "You know, I t-told you…that it would end this way. Th-that's why I always t-tried…to stop. B-b-but you…you idiot…you always c-came to me…you'd open up th-that hard exterior and show me your soft side…how's someone like me supposed to refuse that?" He choked down a sob. "T-time and time again…I shouldn't have…I shouldn't have refused you. I th-thought I was pr-protecting myself. Thought I was protecting you, too." He sniffled softly, twisting the hat in his fingers. "S-so many things I ought to have done. I w-was too scared…scared of this. Sorry." He made a funny noise in the back of his throat and stood. "Not what I wanted to say, anyways…" he mumbled. He thought back to their last conversation, a humorless laugh escaping his lips.

**Four days prior:**

He stood in front of the headmaster's desk, frustration welling up in his chest. He knew his friend wanted it as much as he did. He saw the little shifts in his posture, heard the soft, wistful sighs, noted the lingering touches just a hair longer than the should've been. So why was he being so damned stubborn?!

"Kaien, how many times do I have to come to you, like this, before you'll accept me?" he demanded. Any reasonable person would've imagined the situation the other way around. If anyone had to guess that one of the two were coming to the other, confessing on a weekly basis, they'd have thought it to be Kaien. But now the usually bright headmaster was completely stern.

"Yagari, it would be a mistake…to reciprocate those kinds of feelings." The older man knew he was hurting his friend, but he was convinced it would hurt them both even more if he were to give the man what he thought he wanted.

"You **do** reciprocate them, you just won't admit it!" Yagari snapped. "I love you, Kaien. Why can't you accept that? I will never hurt you, so please-!"

"Enough!" It was rare that the smaller man raised his voice. The hunter flinched. "I want to hear no more of this! Ever! It's just ridiculous. We're friends, already. Why do you have to ruin what we have with this kind of nonsense?" Something in the hunter snapped.

"Stop saying it's nonsense! I love you! What is wrong with that? It won't **ruin** anything, if you're just honest with yourself. This is so unlike you, Kaien! What are you afraid of?!" The headmaster tensed up like a snake. _What am I afraid of, Touga? Isn't it obvious? I'm afraid of losing you. I will far outlive you. I don't want to bury another lover._ _I'm already going to have to bury a friend._

"Get out," he hissed.

"Stop being a coward and **trust** me!"

"Get…out. NOW!" Yagari flinched, shocked by the outright bellow that echoed around the room. Then, with an injured huff and an angry glare, he turned and stalked out of the office, slamming the door behind him.

**Present Day:**

"I'm sorry," he whispered to the lifeless stone in front of him. "I never meant those things I said. W-what I always wanted…to say…was that I loved you. God, I wanted so badly…to hold you…to kiss you…to love you. But I was scared. Scared it would hurt more, that way. I-I was so scared it would be like Juri, again. But I was wrong. I should never have held back. Sorry." He stood up and turned to see a sympathetic Kaname staring at him. He looked away. "…heard that?" the headmaster whispered.

"Sorry," Kaname replied. "You'll heal though…like you did with Juri." Kaien shook his head, wiping his eyes with his sleeve.

"No, Kaname. I won't heal like with Juri. But I'll live. I guess it's true…what they say. It's better to love and lose…"

* * *

Heh, well...hm...read and review - not sure how I feel about this, ending isn't great, but...oh well...


End file.
